SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

I'm about to shed some light,

Cause each and every night

You gotta do it right '

- Ludacris, 'Splash Waterfalls'

If somebody asked me which gender is currently ahead in the unfortunate 'Battle of the Sexes', I'd have to say: WOMEN.

To be exact, the 'Battle of the Sexes' is like a worldwide nuclear war - there can be no real winners. Men and women shouldn't be racing for superiority - they should be working side by side. But the feminists don't want to hear that. All around the world, feminists, man-eaters, women's NGOs and die-hard lesbians are fronting the war on men - and they're winning.

They're getting ordinary wives and girlfriends to turn against their men. These days, if your wife beats you, women laugh and call you a wimp. If you beat your wife, you're arrested, tried for 'Assault and Battery' and possibly jailed while delegations of feminist organisations visit your wife to 'comfort the victim.'

The dating scene has become another battlefield for this unholy war. Women are going all-out to 'tame' men and even more alarming is the fact that men are not fighting back effectively.

Bookstore shelves and magazine racks are dripping with information on 'how to trap/keep a man' but there's hardly a single book on how men should attract or keep women. The few places you can find good dating tips for men include www.askmen.com, www.becomeaplayer.com and, of course, this website - www.askwebsoft.com . Meanwhile, women are reading books like 'The Rules' which blatantly teach them how to manipulate men. Magazines such as 'SATURDAY' (Kenya's largest-circulation magazine), are not complete unless they carry articles with such headings as 'He's Not Interested in You, Baby' and ' Finding Mr.Right - Why it's Time to Change Tactics'.

Recently, A MAN wrote a book titled 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU' which tells a woman the signs to watch for when a man is playing her (To the author, I'd like to say: 'Thank you, Judas. Come collect your 30 pieces of silver'). The book became a worldwide bestseller after it was featured not once but twice on the Oprah Winfrey show. The irony is that men need this kind of book much more than women because women are more subtle in their communication (Like giving you the silent treatment instead of just telling you that she's annoyed about something you did.)

So, to even the playing field (battlefield?) here's a list of tell-tale signs that will tell you when a chick is wasting your time (and money).

1. She Makes Endless Excuses

'Amarosa, I don't like excuses... You're fired!' - Donald Trump, 'The Apprentice' Season 1

You may be familiar with this scene. No date you arrange with her ever materialises because:

- she has a class

- she's going to the salon

- she already promised her girlfriends she'd go someplace with them

- her parents won't let her leave the house

- she's not feeling well

- she's not dressed for the occasion

- she's washing her cat

- There's a lion in the streets

- She's afraid of catching Ebola.................and a million other excuses.

I once read an agony aunt column where a young Kenyan dude was complaining

that he's dating a chick who loves going out to expensive hotels but whenever he asks her to come over to his house, she gives endless excuses. Look here, son. If she always has an excuse NOT to be alone with you then show her your back: she's not feeling you. You're wasting your time (and, evidently, your hard-earned money as well.) If she was into you, she'd be making excuses to see you, not the opposite. I know many university girls who regularly miss lessons to spend time with their boyfriends. I know of one girl who left WORK at noon saying that she was feeling sick when the real reason was that she wanted to 'prepare herself for Sean Paul' when he held a concert in Nairobi (The concert started at around MIDNIGHT).

2. She's Never Available - Especially On Weekends

This is closely related to MAKING EXCUSES. The chick simply won't avail herself to you. She might even agree to a date but she won't turn up. Women love going 'out'. If she's not available on weekends and other fun days, then she obviously has other options. Women make themselves available to guys they're interested in. That's why you should ask a chick out only once .If she doesn't accept, then move on.

3. She Wants You To Be 'Just Friends'

Never agree to be relegated to the 'friendship zone'. Never. Don't accept to just flirt with her (or even buy her food and gifts) and then watch her walk into the arms of her boyfriend (you know - the one who shags her every time he feels like.) NEVER ACCEPT CRUMBS (handshakes, chaste pecks, quick hugs etc). If she doesn't want to give you what you want, then don't give her anything, either. Move on.

4. She Tries to Hook You Up With Her Girlfriends

There you are, trying your damndest to win her over and what does she do - she tries to unload you on her friend. She introduces the friend and even 'builds her up' for you saying things like, 'She's into rock music like you' or 'You have so much in common.' If you're in a club, she tries to make you dance with somebody else. Women are very protective of the people they care about and are easily aroused to jealousy. If she happily unloads you onto ANOTHER GIRL, then as sure as eggs is eggs, she's not into you!

5. She's Cheating on You

'Maybelline,why can't you be true?

Oh, Maybelline,why can't you be true?

You started back doing the things you used to do!'

- Chuck Berry, 'Maybelline'

Some time ago,I read an agony aunt column where a man was confused about a lady he loved (I told you men are being massacred out there!) You see, he wanted to marry her but the lady was a tramp. He went to the US for further studies and while he was away, he was informed that she was cheating on him. True enough, by the time he got back, she had given birth to somebody else's kid. He took her back nonetheless but it wasn't long before he caught her in bed with his cousin. On a later date, she was seen entering another man's house at night and leaving in the morning. When he confronted her with the issue, she explained that it was raining and she had gone into that man's house to 'protect her hair'! Despite all this, she claimed that she loved him and wanted to get married. (Our advice to this particular guy is: Ditch the bitch. If she's a serial cheater, then what do you want her for?)

The truth of the matter is that there's no excuse for cheating. Even if you're seeing other women, that doesn't give her a carte blanche to sleep around - after all, if you took a gun and murdered ten people would she also take a gun and kill ten more? Of course not. According to Judge Mablean Ephraim of TV's Divorce Court, saying that your partner was also cheating is just an EXCUSE that women give in order to 'JUSTIFY their infidelity.'

6. She Won't Sleep or Engage In Intimate Behaviour With You

'It's not a space shuttle launch - it's sex.' - American Pie 1

Girls LOVE intimate behaviour. They spend a lot of time reading stuff on 'how to drive your man wild in bed', how to French-kiss etc. They like to be good in bed (all the guys with super-sexy girlfriends, give me a silent nod there.) They don't spend years learning this stuff for nothing. They also like to cuddle, be stroked and caressed. So if she doesn't want to do any intimate stuff with you then it's time to take a hike. When she meets someone who tickles her fancy, she'll shower him with affection. For some reason, you didn't spark attraction in her.

Refusing to sleep with you is a big issue. Virgins are so rare these days, they should be protected under the 'Endangered Species Act'. If an adult female is not sleeping with you, she's probably sleeping with someone else - or will be sleeping with someone else in the near future. Don't believe me? Then analyze this: An average woman has about 3 thousand sexual encounters in her lifetime but she only has about 3 kids at the end of it all. And since there are 6.5 billion people alive, take out your calculator and tell me how many sexual encounters have taken place in the last one hundred years or so! Everyone does "it".

Some reasons chicks give for not handing over the goodies are:

- I'm a Christian and have to wait until I'm married to have sex

- I'm just not ready

- We'll be caught

- Nime "Chill"

- It's too early

- It's painful

And so on and so forth.

Why should these excuses be disregarded? Because if Usher Raymond came to Kenya, that same chick who was pretending to be holier than Archangel Michael will be throwing her panties and bras at him. And as far as the holier-than-thou religious girls are concerned, remember that even prostitutes claim to 'saved' these days. They say that they only engage in prostitution to feed their kids etc. Of course a babe could have genuine reasons for avoiding sex eg. You have no protection, she's on her periods etc.(And, by the way, players use protection - don't proliferate the city with kids and then blame me!)

If all the girls you meet claim to be celibate, then it's high time you stopped looking for girls at the local convent. And as for the prude who wants to wait for the 'the right place, the right time, the right moment', calmly remind her that it's not a space shuttle launch - it's sex.

7. She Avoids You

This hint should be as clear as a neon sign in a desert but some guys still miss it and keep pursuing a chick who couldn't be less interested in them. There are various kinds of avoidance:

- Physical (not wanting to sit next to you, be seen in with you etc)

- Not answering your phone calls / not returning your sms's

- Asking a friend / sister to answer the door when you visit

- Switching off her cellphone when you're calling

- Cutting off the connection when she hears your voice over the phone

- Claiming to be too busy to meet you even for a few minutes (How busy can she

possibly be? Is she Oprah Winfrey or Hilary Clinton?)

If she's avoiding you, then GAME OVER. Hit the road, Jack!

8. She Keeps Referring to Her Boyfriend

If she keeps telling you about her boyfriend (where they go, what they do, what he does for her etc), it may be a hint that she's not looking for a new relationship. Women tend to talk a lot about guys they're attracted to or in love with . Also watch out for Freudian slips (verbal errors that reveal what someone was REALLY thinking) - especially calling you by somebody else's name.

Finally, here's something I came across in The Sunday Nation's Buzz Magazine. This kid has a problem and he was asking a FEMALE columnist for help instead of coming to the experts (that's us, Sparky). Check out this poor wanker's story:

I am a boy of 18 in Form Four. I have a girlfriend in Form 1. I have known her for a year. We love and respect each other. She promises me a date almost every Sunday but she never shows up. When I go for her from home, she tells me she has a lot of work to do. How do I get her to give me a true date?

OUR COMMENTS:

'The promises of women, like those of maniacs, are not safely relied upon.' - Jospeh Heller, 'God Knows'

First of all, she's just not that into you. Second, you are displaying true wussy symptoms. By making so many requests for a date and even going for her at her place, you're telegraphing that YOU HAVE NO OTHER OPTIONS.

Lesson One: Women Like Guys With Options.

You are also giving a single girl TOO MUCH ATTENTION - a classic dating mistake. Always remember that there are over 3 billion women alive - why should you keep chasing the same one?

Lesson Two: In the Dating Game, Less is More - Familiarity Breeds Contempt.

When she stands you up, you simply forgive her and ask for another date. Stop that. Get angry. Demand an explanation. This is actually the 4TH RULE OF DATING: Do not

tolerate intolerable behaviour .

If you keep putting up with her nonsense, then you come across as a WUSSY (weak guy) and that is very, very bad for attraction.

Lesson Three: Women Are Not Attracted To Wussies. You say, 'We love and respect each other'. That's the biggest load of crap I've heard since Bill Clinton said, 'I did not have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.' If she respected you, she would treat you better and if she loved you then she would be glad to go out with you.

Lesson Four: Forget What Women SAY - The Truth is in Their Actions.

As you can see, you've messed up your chances with this gal pretty bad, but there's still a glimmer of hope. First of all, you need to stop acting like a sissy (desperate, weak, luckless). It's okay to be a NICE GUY but that won't get you the girls, as I'm sure you've noticed by now. ATTRACTION ISN'T FAIR OR LOGICAL.

Second, you need to get more options - talk to more girls in the neighbourhood, at

school (if its mixed), get out of the house more often. Interacting with more girls will give you confidence and practice and you might meet a truly great gal who deserves your attention. And next time you meet a chick you like, try to spark attraction at the beginning, not over a long period of time.

To make your current chick notice you, be seen with another chick or claim to have met

someone else. Become scarce. Make her wonder who the new girl is. Women are not logical: you look more attractive to them if you're unavailable (married, have girlfriend, belong to royalty, are a celebrity etc). Make a date with her and then cancel it (shows you're busy, have a life). End all meetings, phone calls, dates and conversations first (VERY IMPORTANT: Shows you're the one in control) . And where were you planning to take her for the first date? A big hotel? That would be a HUGE blunder - don't try to buy her love. You are young and you have a lot to learn if you're to be a hit with women.

At your age, I was such a WUSSY that if there were Olympics for wussies, I would have won several gold medals. I was so dateless that I resolved to do something about it - I started to learn how to attract gals. Now, I'm a dating expert. To quote Ma$e, 'I win so much, they wanna know who I'm coached by' ('Welcome Back' Album)

To get your own coaching, watch the forthcoming stage play ‘THE PLAYER ACADEMY’ by Alexander Nderitu (www.alexandernderitu.com/theatre.html )

(c) Alex N Nderitu http://www.alexandernderitu.com/

Buy Alexander Nderitu's prose and poetry books at: http://stores.lulu.com/NewShakespeare